Friday, January 9, 2009

Motherhood woes

This day started off pretty average...

I got Jake and Reilly off on the bus, took Ellie to pre-school, and then took our van over to the Trans Shop (not a place for transvestites) but rather, transmitions...

While I was waiting for the transmition fluid to be changed, I walked up to the library in the frigid temps...burrr!

I love going to the library! I always have. My mom used to take me when I was a little girl to the Bryan/College Station (TX) library every Saturday. I always loved the musty smell of the old books and damp corridors. My favorite books to read back then were the Blaze series by C.W. Anderson. I poured over those Billy and Blaze (horse) adventures. My mom and I used to check out art as well. I don't recall ever being in a library since where you could take paintings home. Money was tight then, so this was a nice way to add some interests to our walls and learn a little something new about each artist and their techniques.

On the way out, I always got to ring the huge bell that was in the front courtyard.

I hope that the trips that my kids take to the library with me will invoke similar happy memories.

I don't remember librarians ever being as cranky as the one's here in Doylestown are...They're strict, man! One over due book and you're going to be slapping down 20 cents for that bad boy per day! We usually check out 15-20 books at a time, so there have been times where I've felt that there might be a warrant out for my arrest when we've been a few days late.

They're attitudes are grumpy, too. I'm not sure what a librarian, of all people, has to be grumpy about! I mean seriously...1.-- you're around books all day 2.-- it's quiet in there! 3.--you have very little contact with people and very little money exchanging. It's perplexing to me.

The day continued on with Kindergarten pickup, pre-school pickup, lunch, Ellie's physical therapy appointment, getting her glasses adjusted, and a stop off at Target for a "fix"--

I've been in a gloomy mood all day...the library trip without kids didn't even help! Not even Target could get me out of this funk I'm in. I've been feeling so great since the holidays and the beginning of the year and now, I'm down in the dumps. Is it because I'm officially back to the routine of therapy appointments for Ellie 3 times a week? (which I dread and so does she)--
It didn't help that after I got home, I got everyone situated and got on the computer to check my e-mails, etc. (and by etc. I mean obsess over what to post on my blog today)

The kids were rammy and bugging me for snacks (which drives me nuts) They eat constantly! No wonder I can't lose weight! I've always got to be thinking about what's for breakfast/snack/lunch/snack/dinner/dessert/snack! ARRRRRRRR!

I went in to yell at one of them for fighting with the other and looked around at the giant mess that had been created...

....shreds of paper left on the table and floor...

...the living room where paper, pens (which aren't allowed in there to begin with), disheveled pillows, blankets were just laying around (this is only a portion of the mess in this room)...

...the upstairs bathroom with an unflushed toilet, and dirty clothes just dumped on the floor...

I felt so incredibly discouraged. I tried to explain to Brian once how difficult motherhood actually is. Sure, there's downtime--but more often than that is the "spinning my wheels" time.
It would be like him working hard all day on a project on the computer and at the end of the day, someone hitting the delete button and all was lost. That's seriously how I feel a good majority of the time. I feel like I'm sweeping a dirt never ends!
After the kids go to bed (which is 7:00pm for my girls, thank you very much), I spend the rest of my evening picking up after everyone. I have them do the "token" clean up before bed, but things that they can't do, I'm stuck with.
I was particularly frustrated with Ellie (4 years old) tonight. I'm frustrated with her many nights, actually. And days. And afternoons. And mornings. She is totally attention defecit and it drives me crrrrrazzzzyyyy!!!! It's like pulling teeth to get her to do anything. She's very sensitive, so if anyone teases her or says something that offends her, she crys. She doesn't seem to learn from past mistakes, so I have to keep going over and over things with her which gets old. She's also very clumsy (one of the things we're working with the therapists on). I'm not sure exactly how much of it is her lack of balance, poor vision, etc. or that I passed on my uncoordianted genes to her. Because of her clumsiness, she falls like 800 times a day or bumps into something or trips--
I love her. Dearly. I really mean it! It's just that I'm human, and I'm frustrated and she's not the only child that I have to deal with. I'm just being pulled in so many different directions.
I have definately tried to take some things off of my plate for the new year. There's just not enough hours in the day to fit everything in and still feel like I've taken time to recharge my batteries. I guess that's why, EVERY night, I make sure I get a hot bath. It's my thing. Unfortunately, most days, not even a hot bath melts away my frustrations.
I am grateful to be a mother...I am grateful that I have been able to bear these children...It has been such a huge honor and privelage. I can't help but wonder sometimes if I was just talkin' away up there in heaven when they were handing out "earth life challenges"--I must not have been paying attention.
P.S. This might be hormones.
**Don't librarians have it made?
**Please tell me I'm just hormonal


  1. The thought of librarians being grumpy is disheartening, but maybe she wasn't grumpy about work at all. Maybe she was wishing she could be home putting her Christmas stuff away, blogging, cleaning, reading or napping...or maybe she has PMS.

    I hope you're just hormonal right now because I know the pain of days like this and it ends up being comforting when I can look at the calendar and see that "my time" is approaching so I have good cause for feeling irrational and grumpy.

    Hang tough, soak long, read something great and maybe have some chocolate too, then sleep and dream of something wonderful. (Brad Pitt maybe.)

  2. yeah, what is up with librarian angst?

    I never knew that about taking out art in texas! thats pretty cool.

    Just to let you know, and I know I have said it before, but I admire you for many reasons... being a good, no, GREAT mom is high on the list. Hope you have a better day tomorrow. :)

  3. First, the library. I've never heard of a library where you could check out art, but what a FANTASTIC idea. And, would you believe, I was once slapped with a $144.00 library fine. There were 12 books that were about 2 weeks over due and the late fee was $1.00 per day. Yikes! Needless to say, we go to the library and do our reading THERE.

    Second, I think it is probably hormones. It took me a few years to realize how much impact hormones have on how down-in-the-dumps or how much energy I have.

    Third, I think it is normal to feel frustrated. Some days are more uplifting than others. When I feel frustrated I remember what my Mom told me about a recurring dream she had once her children were grown. She would dream of her little children as babies and little children and just want to hug them again and wake up and wish she had hugged us all more. Whenever I think of that I know that these days are gone in a blink. Enjoy the innocence and happiness and sweetness when you get a glimpse and treasure it up for the difficult moments.

    I hope you at least get a good night's sleep!

  4. i DO remember those library trips in texas- we also checked out music in one of the local libraries- (records) do you remember that?
    now- about those librarians- i SO agree with you- they seem to be related to the doylestown post office workers- who are related to the soup nazi on sienfield. whenever i visit you in east. pa, and stop at the post office- i start to perspire when i get out of the car- i don't want to make any mistakes when i go in- "am i behind the taped line on the floor-is my package correctly taped?, have i forgotten to do a postal proceedure?- if not, i fear a verbal reprimand in front of all civilians who have braved coming thru the p.o. doors.
    the library shares the same rules-- line on the floor, correct line and procedures. what's with all of that?
    anyway- that was a sweet memory- thanks for bringing it back .

  5. I haven't encountered crabby librarians at the Doylestown library. However, my mother-in-law once went with Sarah and asked the children's librarian for book suggestions. The Librarian recommended Junie B. Jones. I have banned those books, which my MIL knows, so she said, "we don't like Junie."

    Well, you would have thought the Librarian had written the books herself. "Everybody wants Junie!" And she didn't have any other suggestions. My MIL is a college librarian and she was horrified at this woman's attitude.

  6. Just hang in there Shannon. Things will get better with Ellie as she continues in therapy even if you don't see immediate results. You guys are in my prayers every day!
    CYA soon!! Can't wait:-)

  7. Some of my favorite people are librarians - and none of them are grouchy. I work in our school's library every Friday and I LOVE it. I get put things in order and fix things that were left out of order. It gives me a very unhealthy fix for the week.

  8. Shannon, Thanks for your post. You brought back lots of memories. You could check out art at the Salt Lake Public Library and I liked that, too! Librarians are not supposed to be grumpy. They have the happiest jobs in the world! Surrounded by books and books don't talk back or make messes. Which leads me to you probably are hormonal AND you have normal feelings. Being a mother is the hardest job in the whole world. And, we always feel like we are the very worst, but don't compare yourself with any one else. You are just what your children need. I wish I could come and spend some time with you, too. I love Elle, I will never forget the sweet, sweet spirit I felt while holding her. But, all that said, it is very hard to be her mom. No one knows what you are going through. Just remember that you are loved and I love you, too. Just because you are you and because you are Sherry's daughter and Katie's sister.

  9. Well,

    Wherever we live, seems as mothers we all have those days. That was my Christmas break. Two weeks of children home and me sick and Curtis working most of the time. Lack of sleep because I was sick made the entire world seem overwhelming, my children unbearably annoying and my abilities...well I felt I had none. After three weeks of bad sleep and emotional misery I got a prescription for a good cough medicine. A good night sleep and the world seemed so much more manageable!!! But there is always that post Holiday lag about how and where to start that makes you just want to stay in bed and pretend none of the jobs exist!! TAKE NAPS!!

  10. 1. A library where you could check out paintings?!! That is so brilliant!

    2. When I went to our library last week, I had a $17.00 fine!! Yikes. Apparently they have a new policy where you get an additional $5.00 fine if an item is not returned two weeks after it is due, or something like that.

    3. Motherhood feels EXACTLY like sweeping a dirt floor. I was just bemoaning the fact that I spent almost 4 hours preparing a nice Sunday dinner and no one wanted to eat it (the kids, I mean). It's just plain hard, no two ways about it.